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Monthly Archives: October 2012

My lack of posts have been due to the depression brought upon by the Bills and their hideousness.  I can honestly say I fell asleep while watching them be crucified by the 49ers.  Partially this was because I was sick, but mostly because I had the choice of either slitting my wrists while watching them play or sleeping.  I thought sleeping would be more beneficial.  Last week against the Cardinals God sent us an angel in the form of Jairus Byrd allowing the win in overtime.  And this week we all watched a battle of terrible defense between the Titans and the Bills.  In typical Bills fashion the game was decided by their fourth quarter efforts in which Fitzpatrick who had been playing his best game yet, decided the fourth quarter was the best time to stop throwing on point.  Depression has ensued, luckily I have all the Backstreet Boys albums and a bottle of whiskey.  My relationship with the Bills sounds like a Taylor Swift song with all this heartbreak, except, my relationship with the Bills has been 21times longer than any relationship she’s been in.

As pissed off with the Bills as I have been I am choosing to introduce to you one of my personal favorite players, Stevie Johnson.  I’ll be honest, I’ve always liked Stevie, he was a fun guy to watch, and wasn’t afraid to poke fun at other players with a sense of confidence.  However, it wasn’t until recently that I actually looked at a picture of him and had a When Harry Met Sally moment.  Maybe it’s his whole bad boy effect, with his sexy toned body covered in tattoos, but mama like, mama like very much.  The twenty-six year old Stevie joined the Bills in 2008 as a seventh round pick Wide Receiver.  (If you don’t remember what the job of a wide receiver is read my saucy piece on Victor Cruz you’ll enjoy).  Since then Stevie has battled through some injuries and worked hard to maintain his status with the Bills.  In 2010 he was named the Vizio top value performer and has made himself known in the Bills (for a lack of a better term) unvictorious play.

To go along with that bad boy look Mr. Johnson has a trouble maker attitude, which of course attracts even the most holiest of women.  I mean even Mandy Moore could not resist that naughty naughty boy Shane West in the cinematic masterpiece A Walk to Remember.  (As a side note I would really appreciate it if Nicholas Sparks would just stop writing).  Any way Stevie has been fined by the NFL three times for excessive celebration.  Once, for his famous undershirt with “Why So Serious?” written on it, an attack on Chad Ochocinco and T.O.  who had referred to themselves as Batman and Robin of the Bengals.  The second for imitating Plaxico Burres and finally the third for lifting up his shirt and reveling “Happy New Year” written on his shirt.  With every fine the more attracted to him I get, and quite frankly the level of wit played into his fines really gets my engine reved, I mean anyone can score a touchdown and mock Victor Cruz’s salsa dancing, but when you throw in a Dark Knight quote into the mix you have my heart.  My fantasies of licking chocolate off his rock hard abs have been crushed upon hearing that he is happily married with three adorable children, my love for him still grows everyday.  It’s not unusual to find me staring at my phone drooling at a picture of him, yes I have one saved to my photo album, it helps me get through the rough days.  Ladies and Gentlemen I give thee Stevie Johnson, moan away.

All it took was one week against the Patriots to bring the Bills fans back down to earth.  What the world witnessed this passed Sunday was the typical performance of the Buffalo Bills, making a statement in the first half, then forgetting that there are in fact two other quarters to play after Halftime.  You’d think Fitzpatrick with his Harvard degree would be able to figure that out, or at least figure out the physics behind not throwing an interception, or getting sacked, but whatever he has an excellent beard and that’s all that matters.  Any way, the Bills took the lead at the half 21-7, I felt like Miley Cyrus on Salvia (or so claimed), this sort of defeat at the half could not be real, it would be like the cast of Jersey Shore winning an Emmy.  After 21 years of Bills fandom however, I have learned that while they are not consisting in winning games, they never fail to disappoint.  And disappoint they did, as Tom Brady and the Patriots (oooh the possibilites to start a band, I mean they’d be about as good as the Jonas Brothers, but at least they’d have a cooler name), avenged themselves, coming back with six touchdowns in the second half.  The rest of my day entailed me only leaving my bed to go to the bathroom and make dinner, while I watched sappy movies such as: When Harry Met Sally, Little Women and The Princess Bride, while wallowing in self pity that I’ll never get married or have a man reply, “As you wish” to every demand I make, such a life disappointment.  At least my fantasy team won, otherwise who knows how this week would have turned out.

There was one man, however, that fulfilled all my passions why watching the Patriots legitimately murder the Bills in the second half, and he goes by the name of Rob Gronkowski, or simply Gronk.  Before I give you the low-down on my dear Gronk, and oh so low I will go down on Gronk, I have to give Chandler Jones a shout out.  Chandler Jones was born in my place of birth, Rochester NY, so I automatically like him.  Also he was a member of my alma mater, Syracuse University’s Orange football team through the 2011 season.  Chandler was a first round, 21st draft pick by the patriots and some how has managed to make Syracuse football look good, a very hard task.  So props to him, you make me proud and you’re a cutie, not that he cares at all what I think, just throwing it out there.

Back to the gorgeous, he’ll hit the G-spot every time Gronkowski.  Note: the g-spot comment is not necessarily a fact, it just fit my G aliteration I had going, however, I wouldn’t put it past him.  I feel as though the appearance of Rob Gronkowski is often overshadowed by that of Tom Brady, but he is finally starting to get a bigger fan base.  I personally never thought Tom Brady was as attractive as everyone so claimed he was.  In fact I don’t find him or Gisselle to be anything special.   She’s not my favorite Victoria’s Secret Angel, I’m more of a Miranda Kerr and Brooklyn Dekker fan myself.  Tom Brady is also boring.  His performance on SNL was not at the quality of my boi Peyton and the only interesting thing he did was knock some woman up before he broke up with her, I mean every athlete does that get new material Mr. Brady.  Gronk has a different beauty one of LARGE proportions, which I very much enjoy, in my mind anyway.  His large factor comes into great use on the field (and in my fantasies), being a tight end.  Besides having a perfectly sculpted end that is rather tight, his job on the field a combination of an offensive lineman and a wide receiver.  Basically he blocks and catches the ball when thrown to him.  If you like it rough he’s your man, he knows how to hold you down with some strength having practice with holding back some pretty hefty men as a tight end.  But I’m sure he can be a ‘gentle lover’ if you need him to.  Besides being a giant Pole from Buffalo (Pole meaning Polish not his ‘little gronk’ although I’m sure it is giant and he knows how to use it), he has this bad boy factor.   He’s like the AJ McLean of the backstreet boys.  He likes to party and he just doesn’t care what anyone thinks, and every female whether they want to admit it or not finds themselves attracted to him.  He’s been photographed hanging out with a Porn Star, yanno just a typical weekend hangout sesh for the Gronk. Also he allegedly ‘hooked up’ with a 16 year old girl while in Aruba.  But I mean if the guys from One Direction can date 30 year old women at the age of 16 why can’t he hook up with a 16 year old girl? Nothing wrong there, 16 is the legal age of consent in Aruba, and you know she liked it, I always do in my fantasies.  Alright enough talking here’s some picture, get your vibrators ready!

All kinds of explosions going on over here

Gronk and his porn star ‘friend’

Getting his Magic Mike on